....Never let it be said that the forest industry is dull. At this writing, or for that matter any writing, the experts {who are those masked men?} are saying one or all of the following statements:
....“We can expect an upturn on the hemball market in February.”
....“Cedar just doesn’t look good on the short term.”
....Pulp  should  help  through  the  third

quarter, with a slight downfall on the fourth.”
....And of course plywood is a peren-nial problem.
....So it has been and so it shall always be – a cyclical industry caught in the world’s web of supply and demand.
....So here is spring in beautiful B.C. – the daffodils came out early and so did Noranda, BRIC and M&B. February was a wonderful month

until the forest industry learned of the I.W.A.’s demands for a new master agreement. And what a nice winter it was until Mr. Reagan tightened his belt and lumber sales dropped!
....But hold on chaps – don’t press the panic button yet. This old inlet logger has a solution to your problems! We did it before – and we can do it again. Listen

 

Folks
.There’s a heap of talk these days
.Of our problems and the ways
.To solve our rather awkward situation.
.Pulp’s a glut – and plywood’s down
.And chips are piled all over town.
.Nearly all the mills are hurtin’ cross the
.................................................nation.

Gentlemen
.Competition’s running high
.And the world might pass us by
.If we fail to find a really good solution.
.So as to set your heart at ease
.I’ve got a plan that’s bound to please
.You might call it a media revolution.

Chaps
.We’ve gotta lift our sights much higher,
.We’ve gotta hypnotize the buyer
.With a razz ma tazz the likes there’s
..........................................never been.

.We’ve gotta glamoruize the tree
.Like they do on the T.V.
.And take some lessons from the
........................................silver screen.

Why there’s just no telling what we ..............................................could sell
.If we used the movies more.
.We’ve got to inundate them
.And saturate them
.If our sales pitch is really going to
..................................................score.

How did Warners sell Al Jolson?
How did Crosby sell Bob Hope?
How did Zanuck sell dear Marilyn?
How did Lux present its soap?
They did it all with style and class,
And chaps that’s what we’ve got to do
We have to package it with glitter
We have to make them want it too.
We’ve got to figure we’re the best –
because we are.

In other words -
We’ve got to make the tree our star!
What did Fred Astaire tap on – wood,
What was the Bounty made of – wood,
What grew in Brooklyn – a tree,
Who was Charlie McCarthy’s daddy – .................................................a tree,
Where did “Roots” come from –
.................................................a tree.

Men
I suggest to you
If you want to see this through
That you buy out CBS and NBC.
Then amalgamate with Fox
Buy up all the Warners stocks
And present our star – the ever lovin’
....................................................tree.

As James Durante would say –
“folks, it’s gonna be fantabulous”
Can’t you see it!
20th Century Forest Industry
proudly presents -
...              ..“King Tree”

With a cast of thousands, starring Natalie Wood, Woody Allen, Woody
..................  .Herman, Donald Woods,
Helen Twelvetrees, Joanne Wood- ...................... ..ward,  Forest Tucker,
Martin Balsam, Olive Branch and
...............................................Twiggy.
Also starring –
Adam Zimmerman as “Bomba” – ..............................prince of the jungle,
Music & lyrics by Howard Cosell and
.................................Arthur Cameron,
Choreography by Donald Lanskail,
Special effects by Cal Knudsen,
Produced and directed by Cecil B.
DeWaterland.

But that’s not all we’ve got to do
Prime time’s the thing
To show off our king.

Commercials are the thing today
It’s the only way to make it pay.
Selling wood – or selling girdles
You can eliminate the hurdles
If you blast their ears – and nauseate ....................................................them
You don’t win customers – you create .....................................................‘em.

Does this industry try to sell lumber to
.................................................ladies?
I say No,
But this is the way we ought to go;
Girls – Have you tried our new cross- ......................your heart two by fours?
What a lift you’ll get when you do.

Remember girls –
.... If you’re looking for a stud
....Just call our super salesman Bud,
....He delivers!

Are you worried about chips?
Can ‘em – I say – can ‘em!
Add a little Chef Boy-Ardee Sauce
And sell it as Catt Chow Chow Chow
Every little pussy will love it.

Or is pulp your hangup?
Try this –
....Get rid of bad breath,
....Gulp some pulp.
....If you are strong on halitosis
....And your friends all turn away.
....Get rid of mouth wash
....Gulp some pulp today.
....Pulp comes in fifty different
..............................................flavours
....Including strawberry, raspberry and
........................................gin & tonic.

Don’t forget –
....Switch to pulp and say
....I’m having a pulp safe day.

Maybe plywood’s not moving like it
...............................................should,
..Have you tried everything?
..The tiny tots – and their piggy banks?
....Hi gang – this is yer old buddy Chip
...............................................Woods
..Telling you to tear off the top
..from your daddy’s station wagon
..................(or a reasonable facsimile)
..and forty-five dollars and we’ll send
...................................................you,
..by return mail, your brand new, ..super giant, six foot round plywood .....................................beanie button.

Remember kids – this offer expires
when you reach 97.

Then there’s the real nauseating
........................................approach –
Have you got “ring around the house?”
Do passers by make you feel like a
................................................louse?
Do they point and stare
Cause you let the paint go bare?
Then smarten up turkey,
Buy a home from Jerky Lumber Co.
We stand by our slogan –
..“If there’s a house needs building
...............Let a jerk do it.”

Or this –
...Are you run down?
...Does frostbite really bother you?
...Then make the change to “shakes.”
Remember –
...Four out of five family doctors say –
...“Get rid of those shingles
....you’ll feel better with the shakes.”

So chaps – that is my solution
..and I’ve come to this conclusion,
..we’ve got to draw attention to our star ............................................– the tree.

.Keep out of the bight,


Bill Moore